When
I left my home
And my family,
I was no more than a boy
In the company of strangers…
And my family,
I was no more than a boy
In the company of strangers…
(Simon
and Garfunkel)
The Big War continued… Larry’s story.
Gear Bear, your first deployment.... turns you into a man. Any
additional deployments start to chip away at you.
I returned from Afghanistan
at 0200 in the morning my family was there to pick me up. On the way back to my
house I rode in the back seat, the same seat that I sat in while conducting
patrols in Afghanistan for the past 10 months, the difference is that I was in
a car now and not an armored military vehicle. It was a strange feeling. I was
not worried about hitting an improvised explosive device. It felt weird and
wonderful not to have my rifle. The vehicles we passed on the road were no
longer a threat to me but, I was still anxious. My family seemed the same to me
but, I was different. I had darkness inside me; I did not feel like I belonged
back in the real world. While in Afghanistan all I ever did was think about
going home but my first few months home I missed being in Afghanistan.
The last three months of my deployment was the beginning of
the fighting season and they were the worst. I was located at a small outpost
no more than 300 meters in length and width. The building we lived in was a
former village school house made out of concrete. Every single day for three
months straight we were attacked, small arms fire, mortars, and rockets. The
best days we only took one or two mortar/rockets. The worst days we took up to
18. Our only warning of a rocket or
mortar attack was a small radar that made a beeping noise when we were about to
take incoming. It was usually a 10 second warning. If you were located in the
Command Post during the attacks we would all count down from 10 take a knee and
cover our ears. All one could do was pray and hope that the rocket or mortar
did not hit our building. Boom!!!! That is the sound you would hear when you
got down to the number one. Sometimes the building would vibrate and just would
kick up if the rounds hit close enough. Most of the time the rounds would miss
but every now and then someone would be hit. If you were hit by 107mm rocket
death usually followed, shrapnel from a mortar round was preferred.
The sound of incoming is a sound that I cannot seem to get
out of my head. At home while sleeping usually the initial stage of falling
asleep I would hear the sound and wake up. I am startled for about five seconds
and then realize that my wife and daughters are still sleeping; the sound I
heard was not real. The last month of my
deployment a young soldier’s vehicle was hit by a rocket propelled grenade. He
was brought into the aid station which was situated in the room right next to
our Command Post. This young man was screaming uncontrollably. At first the
screaming did not really have an effect on us but after a while everyone in
that building was affected. The screaming only got worse. It is impossible for
me to explain to you the feeling in that building. Everyone was silent; all
that could be heard was the his screaming. At this stage in the deployment we
all experienced death. We all lost someone close to us. We all saw dead bodies
either friendly or enemy but in this case it was different. This person had a
wound to his face and was very much alive. It took about an hour and a half for
the medevac bird to land at our location. For an hour and a half we had to
listen to this man scream in agony. The sounds coming out of the aid station
made me sick to my stomach. I wanted the doctor to give him something to put
him to sleep; his screaming was tearing me apart inside. No one really talked
during that time we all just stayed quiet and listened. About eight months
later I learned that this kid died of complications from his wound in a
military hospital somewhere in America. To this day I hear that young kid
screaming, it is another sound that I will probably be carrying with me for the
rest of my life.
Gear Bear when you get home there is really no reason to try
to explain to people what war is like. You will be asked many questions. Most
of the questions will seem stupid to you. How was Afghanistan? What was it
like? Did you kill anyone? People that have not experienced war will never
understand. My advice to you is to stay quiet or give them simple answers. You
will probably have issues sleeping when you first get back. I know that alcohol
is bad and only makes matters worse but there is nothing like 12 cans of beer
to clear your mind and make you fall asleep without hearing imaginary
explosions or the sounds of a person screaming.
Crowds of people also bothered me my first few months back.
Try explaining this to a civilian and they will think you are crazy. For a long
time I felt extremely uncomfortable around large groups of strangers. I
remember going to a public Christmas tree lighting with my family. There were
people everywhere, my heart started beating really fast and instantly I wanted
to leave. I was having a panic attack and I had no idea why. My kids really
wanted to be there but I felt that if I did not leave I was going to faint. At
restaurants you will want to sit in a corner with your back to the wall, in
church you will want to sit in the back close to the exit. You will not feel safe
in crowds. Although, it was probably a false sense of security but, I always
felt safer having loaded weapons around me. Having a loaded weapon near me made
me feel that I still had some control if something bad were to happen to me or
my family. For 10 straight months everywhere I went I carried a rifle. I ate
with the rifle, slept with the rifle, and had it next to me while I showered.
But the second our plane landed in America they took my rifle away from me.
While receiving indirect fire scares you it is also an
extreme adrenaline rush. It is a rush that you will never experience in the
real world. Your first few months back will seem uninteresting to you. You will
seek excitement that does not exist. Although, I’ve never been suicidal there
were a few times that I was driving to work in the morning and thought about
running my vehicle off the highway at a high speed. I never went through with
it but the thought occurred to me several times during those first few months
back. I was not looking to die or anything, I can’t explain the feeling to you
but I am afraid that in the near future you might experience these same
feelings.
The death of my friends did not really move me at the time.
At times I was glad that it was not me. There were other times that I wished it
was me. But while I was there I did not really grieve for them. I tried not to
think about it and I believe everyone around me had the same feelings. Joking
was our way of coping at the time. Every day I thought I was going to die so
the only way I could deal with it was to make jokes about dying. Everyone made
jokes about dying, I believe most of us felt that we would die or could die at
any time. My grieving process began when I arrived back home and to this day I
still grieve for them. I recall the last time I saw them alive, our last
conversations. I think about their families and to this day it is hard to
believe that they are dead. I once had to carry a friend’s body on a stretcher
draped in an American flag and load him on a helicopter 200 meters from where
he was killed. Two people died that day. I only knew one of them. I was picked
to carry the stretcher because the person killed was in my unit. I did not want
this job. The other soldiers carrying the stretcher were crying. I did not cry
that day my mind was somewhere else. There were about 100 soldiers there. They
formed two columns and we carried the body between them to the door of the
helicopter as we passed them every one saluted. It did not seem real to me at
the time, it felt like I was in a movie. The feeling was surreal.
We all deal with death in different ways Gear Bear. You are
young and motivated and you love firing mortars. Yes, killing the enemy is
justified. However, there are people back home that will never understand this.
They will tell you why war is bad and explain to you that the current war is
unjust. They will tell you that we had no business being there. They will blame
the past or current president and tell you that you are nothing but a pawn to
big business. They will never understand that we do not care about the politics
of war. There will be others that thank you, they will tell you that you are a
hero; they will tell you that they owe their freedom to you. They will
introduce you to people and tell them that you are a war hero or that you just
came back from Afghanistan. These people are just as confused as the others and
understand nothing about combat. To me these people are worse. I hate to hear
the words thank you, I despise the handshakes. When you go to an airport or
some other public places you will see people handing out yellow ribbons that
say support the troops, there are groups of people that make blankets for
wounded warriors and will ask you for a donation or ask you to write a card so
they can use your words on their blankets. These people might have good
intentions but you will want nothing to do with them. Like the others they do
not understand.
Upon your return home Gear Bear in a lot of ways you will be
alone. The only people that you can truly talk to about your experiences are
other veterans. Your family will never understand. The Army will offer you
counseling but the closest thing to war these doctors have seen came from a book;
they will not understand you but will insist that they can help you. Although, killing in your situation was just
there will come a time when those deaths affect you as well. You and I both
know that we fought for each other not for our neighbor’s freedom. We had to
kill the enemy or he would have surly killed us. Our enemy understands this and
we understand this but the average person never will.
You came to us a boy Gear Bear. You are leaving us a man. In
a few short weeks we will be back home. In the future when you come across a
group of young military men you can tell them all about your own Big War. You
see Gear Bear no matter what war you were in or what part of history the war
took place your short time in Afghanistan will always be The Big War in your
eyes.
I had to ponder very long and hard in wondering if I should print Larry's story or not but, it's real and this is what these men and women are going through while serving our country, as they will, I am sure, in their civilian lives as well.
Yes, I am but, a 9 inch stuffed bear that I hope has brought a smile to these soldiers once in awhile and maybe took their minds off the terrible surroundings and death that they have lived with the past months.
I may be able to have one more post before I ship home if not Thank you for taking the time to read our blogs. We have had over 35,000 views on our Gear Bears Deployment Blog.
If you have enjoyed reading about Gear Bear and his military experience please read his 1st book
Gear Bear Adventures by L.A.Symons You can also purchase the book at Barnes & Noble, The Book World, Amazon.com or our web page (which we will be sure and autograph for you, bear paw and all!)
The proceeds from the book sales are donated to St Jude's Children's Hospital.
g/b
www.gearbearadventures.com
